January May Be "Divorce Month," But Pause, Get Your Ducks in Row, And DO NOT Blindside Your Spouse

Monday, January 5^th, is what we in the family law world quietly call “divorce day.” On the first Monday back in the office of a new year, divorce inquiries skyrocket by more than 25%.

Researchers at the University of Washington studied this divorce seasonality and called it the Broken Promise theory. In short, a dissatisfied spouse thinks in October or November that if they can just get through the holidays and rediscover that spark with his/her spouse, then they can make the marriage work. But, the holidays are stressful under the best of circumstances with extended family, financial strain, and travel. The holidays end up magnifying marital issues rather than resolving them. Combine that “holiday magic” disappointment with resolutions for a new year to be different, and you have the recipe for "divorce day" and "divorce month."

WHAT NOT TO DO ON DIVORCE DAY OR DURING DIVORCE MONTH:

First, I strongly caution against reacting to emotions and blindsiding your spouse with a divorce declaration. The way you start a divorce is critically important. If you start the divorce process with a blindside, then you will set the stage for a high-conflict divorce. You do NOT want that. The average cost of a litigated divorce in the United States is between $15,000 and $30,000 per spouse, and the cost increases dramatically beyond that when conflict is high. Even more important, a high-conflict divorce is emotionally damaging to all involved, especially children.

Second, do not try to find a divorce attorney when emotionally activated, because when you are in an emotional state you may choose an attorney who approaches a divorce like a battle to be won rather than an agreement to be reached, and that kind of representation will really only benefit the lawyer, not the couple, and certainly not the children.

WHAT TO DO ON DIVORCE DAY AND DURING DIVORCE MONTH:

Take a pause. Instead of your first call being to a divorce lawyer, find a qualified divorce coach who you like (after doing consultation calls with a few potential coaches). A divorce coach will help you to fully consider the divorce decision, educate you on divorce process options, help you have a realistic idea of your post-divorce future, and work with you to build a foundation for a cooperative, affordable divorce process that does the least amount of damage to your children and your finances as possible. If you decide to proceed with divorce, your coach will work with you to share the news with your spouse in a way that will build a foundation for cooperation, not destruction.